9/4/11 Sunday

Values are intrinsic to your paradigm. They are basically the things that you think are important and desirable in society and in life. At your core what do you think of as important, leaving out all the basic needs like food, shelter, clothing, etc.? People from both sides of the political fence are throwing this term around a lot. And that's an understatement. You hear the term family values and how some people with certain lifestyles are threatening the family values way of life. If you think that marriage is an intrinsically important part of life, then that is something that you value. If it is important to you to be free to speak your mind, then that is also a value. I believe the idea that something or someone can encroach upon that is erroneous thinking. For those who have "family values", they have an ideal nuclear family picture which they want to remain constant. There's a strict edict underlying their philosophy that purports to hold married heterosexual couples with children in the highest regard. And for some reason those of us who feel differently about this, make them feel threatened. But I don't think that their values can truly be threatened. If my preferences and ideals are different than yours, then it doesn't actually change yours or have any impact on you whatsoever. The problem is not that their values are threatened so much as that they want everyone to share their values. And that is simply unreasonable. If I don't want to have children at all as I am child-free by choice then I am automatically not sharing their values. I value my right to make my own procreative decisions.

I valued marriage long ago, but no longer do. It is something that we as human beings have created. We made it up. It is a legal process and nothing more. The pomp and circumstance, religious ritual, and bond between the people involved is what makes it sacred, not the actual legal act. It's no more sacred than filing a court document for any other purpose. Since so many things are more than the sum of their parts, marriage being no different, people and society have made it into something larger than life. It is so great and so enormous as to have totally eclipsed itself in our society. It has become a fixation. It has taken on an almost mythical power for us. It is built up beyond what its intentions are or ever were. With people thinking about it, looking for it, seeking it as an ultimate goal, it's not any wonder that marriages don't work out. Not only are people getting married to those who aren't right for them, but many times perhaps the people aren't right for marriage in the first place.

Your values aren't something that someone can change, you are usually forming them throughout your life and often changing them throughout your life. They aren't going to be changed by the right wing or the left wing. They aren't going to be changed any more than your preferred food, or your favorite color. We don't choose our preferences, they simply are. And values are like preferences. They are usually simply rooted in ethical and moral considerations in our psyches. I don't believe that any organization should seek to try to change anyone else's values. We should simply respect one another's choices. If you value the nuclear family and think that marriage between a man and a woman (only) are ultra important then that's fine. But I don't. I am not saying that I wouldn't get married again. Nor am I saying that marriage is a waste of time. But I am saying that it may not be as important as it once was. And I don't think it threatens marriage in general to feel that way or to have that opinion.

It is not always the lack of something that creates the harm, but the way in which society looks at it. I believe if our society was more accepting of out of certain taboos in society, then they would not have the stigma or negative impact that many studies supposedly suggest. I seriously cannot fathom how children can be happier with parents who stay together for them or get married because of them, than they would be with single, happy, free, and unencumbered parents who are separate and not making each other miserable. But perhaps there is also the consideration of how miserable they are and how much the children see and experience. People are often so dismissive of children, disregarding their feelings and invalidating their emotions as less than human. So many people forget or fail to realize that our emotional range and capacity are intrinsic in us. The only thing that changes is puberty and hormonal responses. But my emotional capacity is no different now than it was at 15 or at 10. My capacity for frustration, anger, happiness, sadness, joy are still the same. I'm simply grown up now, so people actually take me more seriously. I also have more language skills and am better able to articulate how and what I'm feeling.

I feel that one of my goals is to spread the message or idea that your values, the things that for you have ethical, moral standards of intrinsic worth are not threatened by me or anyone else who has a different set of criteria for basic tenets of intrinsic worth in their life. Gay marriage doesn't threaten straight marriage. Single parents don't threaten married parents. A woman choosing to have an abortion, use birth control, or dispense with procreating altogether doesn't threaten the family values paradigm. It is simply a different choice. It is ultimately dogma and rigidity that damage society and threaten our ways of life, whatever they may be.